Ok, so it’s been awhile and the last thing anyone wants to read is a blog about self-doubt. But as a teacher, I would feel remiss if I neglected my duty to reflect…This year, I’m running into the wall trying to find out who I am. I see great teachers who can let out all there energy and feel great about it. Others can be local on demand and grab student attention. Even watching new teachers, I’m awed at how they are able to come up with good ideas so much more readily than me. I don’t know who I am as a teacher right now. I hope that something will strike me soon.
I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin right now, and it is something I am working on. Kids don’t get my humor. And to be quite honest…it’s not funny anyway. I am the least funny teacher that ever walked into a classroom, I’m pretty sure. So, clearly humor is not me. Am I scientific? Not really. I’m not a lab guy. I love labs, but I never know how to teach labs. Therefore, science skills are not me. What about personal? Am I the kind of teacher that students can get personal with and attach to that way? Nope. I’m too set in my alone time. I like to be alone. But here I am, surrounded by students all the time. Clearly this isn’t me either.
As a second year teacher, I don’t think this is all that uncommon, but it is just difficult to be around greatness all the time and be so far below it. It is even worse to think that I am thought of as a quality teacher when my days consist mainly of freaking out at kids or becoming so frustrated I cannot trust myself to say anything constructive. Maybe it’ll get better, I’ll get better, my situation will better itself. Who knows for now? I can only continue to work on it and try harder and really push myself to a higher level.
I will definitely try, but my students are dragging their feet. I’ve been playing the 8th grade card a lot. The one that reads, “you’re not in 7th grade anymore…you’ve gotta grow up soon.” It’s not working as perfectly as I had thought, but I am exhausted from trying to rush kids to grow up when they clearly are not ready.
It’s also an attitude I’m fighting and it’s wearing, to say the least, saying the same thing over and over and getting the eye roll every time. It’s more than that though. I am not any more right than them. It is just hard to get them as 8th graders to take the bait and behave like a student and not a thug, titta or braddah. Again though, I cannot put the blame of my poor ability to get them on task on them (entirely). I must become better at holding their attention. I just can’t seem to get them interested and even more-so, I can’t think fast enough to make sure they stay interested. It has always been a forte of mine to know stuff, think fast, and spout facts…one would think that I was hardwired to be a teacher. I am starting to realize that I am in fact just another teacher who has to work hard to see results. It is quite a wakeup call, and I’m hearing it loud and clear.
I hope I write back with a brighter idea soon. Until I have more reason to reflect…
